I am not afraid to ask anyone, anything.
It's a blessing for me, as a writer. And a curse for those around me, namely my husband.
I get into conversations about coffee with the guy next to me at the gym, conversations about books with the cashier at the supermarket and often, too often for many of my cohorts, I talk with strangers/waitresses/friends about sex. I want to know everything. As an author of human experience--both fiction and fact---I want to write from a place of truth. I want to understand what draws people in, what makes them happy and what is really, truly real.
And I want to normalize discussion around sex, because, well...sex IS real and normal. And it is essential to relationship success, despite the pressure we (and especially men) feel to say it isn't. I wrote another piece on this very subject, and while most readers---men and women--seemed to agree that making time for sex, regardless of the million other priorities that can interfere, makes their marriage or relationship stronger, there was a small majority who thought I was asking for a woman to just "submit" to sex with her husband. (Read that essay here, if you want to weigh in on the issue Why You Should Say Yes to Sex Tonight).
I am not saying you should have sex if you really absolutely don't want to have sex.
I am saying that sex in a relationship is important to maintaining a connection, being happier and healthier for the long haul.
And I will keep on saying it.
But that's just my view.
So since I don't mind talking about it, and I certainly don't mind asking people about it (I understand if you run when I enter the room now), I thought I might ask my male friends---mostly men in their mid-thirties, in a variety of relationship scenarios---about it.
I would guess that most women my age feel like I do. As a 35 year old mom, my body isn't anything like it used to be. And let me be perfectly frank here, even "like I used to be" was pretty average. I don't wear sexy nightgowns (unless you consider flannel and old t-shirts erotic). I mostly don't shave my legs in the winter---a sort of homage to hibernation.
Our wooing process is fairly formulaic.
He says: Let's go upstairs and have sex.
I say: First I need to take my vitamins and brush my teeth. And maybe eat some ice cream from the freezer and get distracted by Candy Crush. And stare out the window at the neighbors house for a while.
Half the time when I have arrived post-routine, he is sleeping---exhausted from an 18 hour day of working and parenting and husband-ing. Life. Is. Busy.
The other half of the time? Well. Fireworks.
Sometimes sparklers. The nice ones, that make you remember that life is mostly really beautiful.
Other times? A grand display. Big explosives, like the illegal ones you have to smuggle across the border.
But I still wonder.
Do 35 year old men want 35 year old women? What do they think about monogamy? How do men in their mid-thirties to mid-forties feel about sex in general?
I wanted to know.
So I asked my male friends this question:
What is one thing you know about sex, for sure?
Here is what they answered:
"It's okay to have the same sex over and over again. So long as you're present and in the moment, this is an indication that you've found a really great way to have sex that works for both of you. Enjoy it; it doesn't have to be boring just because it's the same."
Profession: Hair Stylist
People really focus on sex, and they want to marry someone they have great sex with, even if the person is a little bit of a douche. I think it would be easier to find someone who is awesome but maybe not great in bed. Isn't sex an easier thing to work on and adjust than someone's personality?
Profession: Business Professional
Most men are hunters. Go in. Get it done. Shopping, for example. Men go into a store. Buy the thing they want, and leave. Women take their time. Same goes for sex. Most men just get in, and want to do the job. Women need time.
What I know about sex is that everything else in our marriage is better after we've had a thoroughly good time in the bed.
Sex in my opinion is meaningless with no connection. Making love is something special. There are connections on so many levels.
Profession: Service Industry Manager
In a relationship
It gets better with age (to a point), is key to a strong relationship. Maybe, if you think about it, it's really the only time we really show our true selves to another person.
A good kiss can really get the blood flowing and turn an average romp into something really hot. It also spices up today moments when sex can't happen but you need the person to spend all day thinking about you. Which makes new think of another... Sex for a woman can be an all day affair. Don't just walk into the bedroom with "hey, you wanna?" Start early in the morning and set the stage for her to have to think about it all day.
I learned a lot from asking this question. And these men answered honestly (ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED) and anonymously--I felt they were being truthful. I have many more answers, and most of them are all in a similar vein.
But what do YOU think about these comments?
What would happen if you asked YOUR husband/boyfriend that question? How about asking him today?
Speaking of that conversation, I will end with one more answer to the question above.
Michael ummm Murray, 38
My husband Married
One thing I know for sure about sex? Hmmm. Oh! I know! Boobs never get old.***
|My face, when my husband gives me "quotes" for my blog|
*** If I can have sex with this man after this answer, you can probably have sex with your husband.